My dog finds me treasure

My dog always comes back to me

I can teach my dog tricks

My dog attacks downed enemies

But now I have to go walk my stupid real dog. Fable 2 has ruined me

I was perusing YouTube just before as i am one to do. Especially because I am visiting my grandparents and have no music what so ever. Its at this point that i think “hmm I have what a good boy by the Barenaked ladies stuck in my head, i think i’ll listen to it via YouTube. But when i search it and click the video it informs me that I’m not in the right country to view it. what the hell?. are they restricting the Internet for specific countries now? Is there not enough Internets to go around? I had known about this restriction earlier but have never been as enraged as I am now. well at least its not Turkey who banned YouTube outright.

Secondly  Does anyone have any sort of answer to missing ex girlfriends too much. I mean seriously. Its been four months, I’m in uni now, I’m making awesome new friends, life is generally good and yet I’m still not happy. All i do when I’m not with people is sit there thinking about her. I even dream about her its ridiculous. I need to either win her back, which isn’t going to happen. or remove her from my mind. any suggestions?

Just incase you don’t know the beatles are terrible for listening to with a broken heart (excuse the term, for want of a better word) I mean seriously the majority are about love and all that. Even ones that seem cheerful under normal circumstances are turned into the sound of everything your missing. The problem is that the Beatles are so damn good. I have a similar problem with certain Led Zeppelin songs although thats just because of attatched memories. Also the song “cherry pie” by Warrent… weird. Anywho I keep meaning to upload comics etc that I draw and find entertaining but so far havent got around to it. I might just scan and upload my whole set of uni notes as most of them so far involve or are just doodles. Hmm this was a short one

Last night my good friend Milky came round and we engaged in our usual activity of chugging steadily through the story line of GTA4 and giggling as we ran people down. We then thought it would be a good idea to drink drive in the game WHILST being drunk in reality. An idea that seemed to get steadily better as we drank more and more rum until we drank so much that we forgot about our original plan and got confused because we couldn’t quite follow the story line. We then attempted drunken Counterstrike which inevitably failed, drunken Day of Defeat which had similar results and then finally drunken Company of Heroes, much to the dismay of our teammate. Now, normally I can play pretty well whilst drunk, but obviously that doesn’t quite work past a certain level of drunkenness. I need to find my drunk to gaming ratio,  this is something I will have to experiment with.

In a totally unrelated topic, I had a thought over my morning toast today. When whoever created marmite achieved said task I’m guessing it was by accident. Because, lets be honest, nobody would set out with the task in mind of creating a slightly tangy, think n’ sticky black goo that has limited uses beyond anything culinary. Which brings up the question; When this person or persons created this strange black goo, what possessed them to taste it? If your fiddling around with ingredients and you make something that looks like marmite. Rule one is YOU DO NOT EAT IT. It defies logic. My only assumption is that someone was forces to eat it as a dare and that person was on of the people who “love marmite” but don’t get me started on the whole “love/ hate marmite” thing because it just makes me angry.

In other news Spore is out today so i must find a way of procuring it.

Is it just me or are the army adverts getting less exiting?. I mean a few months ago there was one in Iraq where a soldier was going to kick a football, but it might have been a bomb, then it cuts out and I was like “woah, that almost makes me want to go on the site and watch the rest. Almost”. But the latest one is just about some woman who drives a big truck and it cuts out when she asks some guys to help her with a road block. ITS NOT THRILLING IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM

OK, so the plan with SCC is going pretty well, so far we’ve found out that unless we have an intake of over 63k per year then we won’t have to play VAT so that’s good news. All we need now is to go and open a bank account and set up the site and were hunky dory (also advertisements). Anywho, as well as that business opportunity I have been doing one of the nerdiest things ever and learning card tricks. This time and investment of nearly £10 may have payed off though as I am meeting with a member of the magic circle at some point soon and depending on what happens with that I may be able to get bars and restaurants to hire me for a few hours to go around doing tricks to people. This seems like possibly the easiest way to make money ever, but also has the most room to end with massive embarrassment on my part. So suffice to say that I am more than a little nervous about this thing that might not even happen. I mean on one person that I know quite well I seem to do really well with card tricks. But as soon as the number exceeds more than one, or its someone I don’t know my confidence goes and I’m left a blundering idiot unable not wanting to turn the card over because after all, its probably not actually their card.

I find the whole thing Derren Brown does fascinating so I have been trying my hand at that also, with limited success. I know the theory behind most of the things he does, but putting them into practice is something else. The things I have so far been able to do are as followed; Make someone tell me the card in my pocket. This is by far the easiest of the things I know how to do and despite the fact that I still suck at it I can almost always get them onto the right number or suit without being too obvious, Getting them to think of certain words. This has had almost total success on a one on one basis but seems to be trickier on any more than one person at a time (especially if your all walking around asda and you have to drift from person to person) and lastly sticking peoples hands to things. This so far has worked on one person, and despite the fact that it continues to work on this one person I can’t seem to do it to anyone else. Leaving me with the theory that once someone has been successfully stuck to something it makes it easier to do it in future, no matte how bad your doing it. All of these things need practice but will be well worth it. I think once I can do it I may get a t-shirt saying “I like sticking people to shit”

It’s been an eventful few days, well that’s a lie, it really hasn’t. But one thing that sticks out of the boredom is the fact that my dog now has an electrocution collar. I have never really been a fan of electrolysis in dogs but I must say that I am looking forward to giving it a try as I feel that I have a lot of pay back where my dog is concerned. The years of not coming back in the park when I call her because she’s too busy eating rubbish or rolling in shit are over. Now I am truly the master. I’m working on the theory that if she refuses to come back even after being zapped then turning up the settings and holding down the button will be enough to incapacitate her thus making her easy to get back on the lead or alternatively stopping her heart. Either way she’d be back on the lead in record time.

Another thing that I would like to bring to your collective attention is how much adverts get on my nerves and from now on i will have a small section devoted to the adverts that tick me off the most and why. These won’t be blogs as such but will appear if and when I am sufficiently enough annoyed to move me to put my displeasure into words.

One last thing. There is something that should be made illegal. This something is raw sewage. Today I was strolling towards my second exam when I noticed a subway up ahead. Now, as I am far too poor to actually go in and buy a sandwich this may not seem relevant in anyway but the fact is, that I enjoy walking past subway because of that almost orgasmic smell they pump out of the air vents in order to get you hungry enough to splash out on something that you could probably get cheaper and better elsewhere. The psychology of the whole thing is admirable. Anyways, as I strolled up to the shop I prepared for a large intake of air; getting ready for that sweet sweet smell to fill my nostrils and lungs. When ,too late, I noticed the Oder surrounding the area. Raw sewage. Desperately I speed walked towards the large vent that was pumping out the subway smell. Hoping against hope that my lungs would not give out before I made it to the safe smell haven. I made it. Upon reaching my destination I breathed deeply in, letting the smell in through my nostrils and mouth. Turns out subway wasn’t the solution, it was the problem. A pipe leak had caused the shop to shut, this leak was obviously next to the vent pumping air out into the street. Hence why the surrounding area had smelt so vile. And I, being the lucky individual that I am, got a full face and lung-full of concentrated raw sewage smell. Lovely

I have it, being ill sucks the only good thing about is that I can just sit around on my computer all day. I do that anyway, just now i have an excuse. So anyways me and Jake from Der Zeitverschwender have this idea to start up a small computer selling business to keep us funded up to over the summer. The whole thing seems very do-able as both me and Jake have experience in building and maintaining computers and due to knowing where to buy components its possible to build pretty top end computers relativity cheaply. For example pcworld.co.uk are selling a gaming computer for £2550. I can build roughly the same PC for £1100. We then sell this for around £2000 which is a nice saving of £500 for you nice people and a sustainable amount of money for us, esspecially since I fully intend to be moving into a flat by the end of September. Our only job now is to get the site up, set up a buisness account and spread the word which is what this shamless self advertising is all about. In my limited experience word of mouth is by far the most effective way of getting customers. If say, ‘Bob’ is our first customer and is suitably pleased by the server recived by me and Jake thn he will tell ‘Steve’  who then tells ‘Muhammad’ etc etc etc. and eventually we will have a decent buisness going.

Now, you may or may not have noticed the use of the name ‘Muhammad’ whilst reading the previous sentence. This was not for the sake or political correctness as you may think, after all there are very few people who express their opinion on the internet who do care in anyway about being P.C. it was in fact a way of subtely moving me onto my next point. And although the subtelty is gone it remains a catalyst for me to say this…

I have no fucking idea what is up with school books. I mean if any of you are unlucky enough to have picked up a school book and read it within the past four years you should be as bermused as I am. For one there is the massive amount of over P.C. names which I would normally have no problem with, but they seem to have taken it too far. Its one thing to have the split between typcally western names and typically forign names. Its another to have no western names at all in the book. Its not that i feel discriminated against, or that anyone else should. Because the plain fact is that no matter what names you call these book people, no one will ever get offended because no one relates to them. They seem to fill their time with the most mundain, boring tasks for no apparent reason. I feel fairly certain that no one would look at the question ‘John is measuring leaves, what is the average size of leaf’ and think “why is John counting leaves insted of Simbad? how utterly racist and offensive” The reason no one would think this is because NOBODY MEASURES FUCKING LEAVES. True story, John did infact measure leaves for me in my GCSE year maths exam. I will never know why.

Well contrary to what I was previously saying it would appear that I am in fact updating in on the very same day that I wrote my first blog exploding most of the first paragraph of my previous entry. Like I said, hypocrite. I must say though a lot of that was purely because I was tired, smelly and way early too for an exam, but most of all smelly, smelling bad makes me grouchy. I mean hygiene is the pillar of society (to a certain extent) it is now common courtesy more than anything that makes us want to smell good for the rest of the world. The sad fact is if you smell bad, you will probably be shunned by society; leaving you friendless and utterly alone, literally marinading in your own filth. This isn’t something people think about or do consciously (most of the time) but if you get on a bus and there is an extremely smelly person sitting with a free seat next to them we are generally inclined to avoid them. They could be very nice people for all we know but we will never get to find out because of our gut reaction to avoiding bad smells. I don’t really have a solution to this. Go hug a smelly person or something.

P.S. Thanks go out to John for informing me that I had comments disabled on my last blog. You all might have to bare with me while I get to grips with this whole blogging business.

Ok, to the few people kind enough to read this out of pity or a series of accidental clicks. Let me start with saying that generally speaking. I dislike blogs, obviously making me a hypocrite. But I have my own reasons for that. Secondly I won’t be updating regularly. The times I will be updating are when I actually have something to say, or am really really bored. Writing pointless blogs for the sake of updating regularly seems like a monumentally pointless task. Saying that, in the unlikely scenario that I get a certain amount of regular readers I will probably put something like a comic or amusing video up once a week because I will feel obligated, making me into a self contradicting hypocrite. But hey, on with the blogging.

Is it just me who finds myself waking up out of a dream thinking really random shit totally unrelated to the dream? For example this morning I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing and my first thought was “This is the first time that both people have called my phone at the same time from each others mobiles” I even tried to say it but it came out more like “thuw mafone done wring both flabagable”. It was a few seconds until I thought “wah?” then a few more before I realised that i should probably answer the phone. Now, the dream Iwas having up until that moment was about zombies attacking me and my friends whilst we were paint balling, there were no phones included in the dream, let alone two people calling my phone from each others mobiles for the first time or “thuw ma fone done wring both flabagable” as i so aptly put it. Whilst I’m on the subject is it normal for someone (me) to have zombie dreams all the time? Like 3 out of 5 of my dreams are zombie dreams what are zombies ment to represent? seriously, get back to me on this I want to know.

For all those who need closure on what the phone call was about; it was my long over due wake up call to tell me to get up and get ready for my English exam at 12. This left me rushing around trying to get my stuff together whilst drinking overly strong coffee to make up for my severe lack of sleep as a result of me watching ‘Heroes’ until half 4 in the morning. Then, realising I had no money for the bus, visiting my mums boyfriend to get the amount of change necessary to get myself to the exam hall by half 11. I managed this incredible feat by missing out on a shower after sleeping in my absurdly hot room and only eating a banana as i rushed out of the house. Funny story, the exam is at half 1. And so now I sit, burning time, starving hungry and reeking of BO. Fuckin’ Heroes.